Suck It: allegedly well-intentioned people

I used to think it was primarily a thing of mothers to their daughters, part of the carnivalesque ride that is the mother/daughter relationship. Sometimes, it seemed like a weapon wielded by those thwarted in their desires, like middle school math teachers whose dreams of astronaut status flamed out early and left them bitter. Or perhaps it was something that mother-in-laws learned to excel at, developing their passive-aggressive mojo well into their senior years. But, no. It's everywhere, everyone, and it's driving me crazy.

I refer, naturally, to the back-handed compliment and all other comments like it. Include in this pile the seemingly well-intentioned advice which also implies that you have the intelligence of a fruit fly and need to be hand-led through life. Also of this ilk is the pretended encouragement which is actually dispiriting, disparaging, depressing, or otherwise destructive.

If you're still unclear as to what I mean, then examples are in order. Besides, I have a war chest full of them and a pathological need to vent my spleen. So, here are some sample moments from my personal collection:

1) To one's daughter, who has struggled for years to lose 80 pounds: "You look so good. I'm so proud of you. So, are you hungry? I just made brownies." Why not say: "I thought we were in this fat thing together. That's how I designed it, and it threatens me when you defy my edicts."?

2) To a man training for a marathon: "You really run an eight minute mile? Really? Well, then I want to come on a run with you." Why not just say: "You're either lying, or running an eight minute miles is really easy. Man, I'll bet I can run a six minute mile."?

3) To someone unseen for many years, now much thinner, healthier, and happier than when last met: "Well, you certainly look young in the face." Just go ahead and cop to the fact that you don't really remember what they looked like that well, and you recognized them, so they seem about the same to you.

4) To someone who several years ago ended a ten year smoking habit, after a quiet battle of several months: "I never saw you so much as cheat, or even really jones for one. Quitting smoking must be a lot easier than everyone says. It makes you think, doesn't it? I mean, acting like it's so hard is almost like telling people they shouldn't even try to quit, isn't it?" Go ahead and admit you smoke secretly, okay? You don't have to invent a conspiracy theory or act like my keeping my struggles to myself somehow encourages you to smoke.

5) To a colleague training for a destination half-marathon: "Are you sure you're ready for that course? I mean, I trained for it all last summer, and my finishing time was quite a bit slower than I anticipated." Why not just tell me you think of yourself as faster than me in all senses, and since you barely finished, you assume I won't be able to finish at all. In fact, while you don't need to say this to me, you should probably admit to yourself that you think you're actually being a good person by saying this to me: you think you're saving me from a humiliation, because you so fundamentally believe you're better than me that it never enters your consciousness to think I might actually be better prepared for this event than you were.

6) To a struggling working-class graduate student: "Well, I think it's amazing how well you're doing, especially considering where you're coming from." Why not just say, "But you're so articulate," you entitled, elitist fuck? Believe it or not, the standards are not higher for those to the manor born. If anything, they're lower, and you'd know that if you'd done any of the required reading in your theory sequence, instead of playing beer pong and hitting on your composition students.

7) Or, as my lovely partner said to me when I was ranting about this very subject: "Wow, these are great examples. You should really write them down or you won't remember them." Thanks, honey. Good thing I've got you looking out for me. It's amazing I can dress myself in the morning, much less figure out how to write a blog--which is, after all, the most intellectually challenging and rigorous of tasks, what with the utter lack of publication rigors, editorial standards, and in my case...oh, say, readership.

I am certain you can think of a dozen variations of your own. That's just it; passive aggression rears its head several times a day in all of our lives, I think. Why don't people just tell you what they think? If you want to tell me I'm full of shit, or a big lardass, or you just don't dig my stylings, then just say so. This endless need to unpack the most basic of chitchat for the real, implied meaning wastes time and energy. Why do we bother to interact on a superficially pleasant level with people who clearly do not like or respect us or our efforts?

Sometimes, it's not even passive-aggression in the usual sense. It's not so much that the person has a conscious judgement they're trying to express covertly, or a nasty sense of superiority to flaunt. Sometimes, it seems like it legitimately comes from a desire to do good. That's almost worse, really. No, it is worse, really, because it smacks of such profound condescension. So, there's no out; any way the deck is dealt, these sneakily undermining comments don't serve a positive purpose--unless we count vapid small talk and empty well-wishing as positive ends. And, looking around, maybe we do.

It seems like the social niceties count for a great deal more than does actual communication, standing by your opinions, or sharing one's candid understanding of the world. I get that little white lies make it possible for us to interact with those we may love or loathe, but in any case can't avoid: bosses, colleagues, in-laws, relatives, government workers and service professionals. What I don't get is how often these moments seem to take on a life of their own, dominating our exchanges and dotting our conversations with moments of such utter falsity that it fills me with rage and shame to participate at all.

Or, to be more direct: suck it.