Long Time, No Hate

A few of this week's grains of sand in my perpetually itchy zone:

1. People who bring their dogs into businesses. I feel like this came to prominence during the heyday of Paris Hilton and the purse-dog. Somehow, the already ridiculous practice of confining small dogs in expensive handbags in order to carry them around as permanent companions to people too odious to maintain friendships has caught on with the general public. I constantly see dogs in malls, grocery stores, and posing in front of the "No Dogs Allowed" signs at Farmers Market. WTF? At least children are only loud and snot-filled. Dogs also drool, knock things over, bite, carry fleas and ticks, trigger allergies, and hump legs. If your child did that, I wouldn't let you bring him either.

2. Botox, et al., and the quacks who shill it. Plastic surgery occasionally serves a very real and even humanitarian purpose: restoring faces and bodies severely damaged by traumatic incident, correcting cleft palates, covering the scars of skin-cancer removals and other necessary procedures. Mostly, though, medical training in plastic surgery seems to be treated as a ten-year long beauty school. Why do we have dozens of treatments for the unavoidable process of aging, but have nothing better toward the prevention of skin cancer than sunscreen? It's just completely off-balance. Living in Southern California and being against plastic surgery procedures is akin to living in a brothel and trying to make it as a monk. I'm emphatically against putting plastic in my body or risking my life for my vanity. And yet. After more than a decade in this region, it's wearing me down and the cognitive dissonance is deafening. When someone as strong in their beliefs as me has moments of "well, maybe I could do this; think how much better I could look", I cannot imagine the pressure faced by young people who don't yet know what to believe and want.

3. Dr. Drew Pinsky. When doctors become fame-whores, treatment goes right out the window. The shady commences with Celebrity Rehab. In essence, they were trading their former fame in for free treatment and a shot at getting their careers back on track by doing it in front of people. It's far from the best environment for real healing to happen, but okay--at least it's a trade-off I can recognize as having some benefit for either side. But, even there, I'm asking: what doctor wants to put such damaged people in front of the camera for their therapy? What of patient confidentiality, and all that it does to foster trust and commitment to the process? Then Pinsky was in my Runner's World as their featured celebrity runner. Ew. You treat celebrities, man, you aren't one. But now, he seems to comment whenever someone is in the public eye and suspected of drugs--like Lindsay Lohan or Charlie Sheen. He makes comments that border on diagnostic without ever meeting the people, which is clearly unethical and serves only to keep him in the public eye himself. Not to mention, he's an addiction specialist as a medical doctor (meaning he's trained and experienced in detoxing people, mostly), but he's not a shrink, though he quite literally plays one on T.V. Add to this that he's an AA zombie who holds that it's the only model that works for long-term sobriety (a lie on both counts: there are plenty of other workable models, like cognitive behavioral therapy, and AA's success rates are terrible), and I'm all done with the guy.

4. Pro-violence rhetoricians unwilling to stand by their words. Hey, you're the one who said we needed 2nd Amendment solutions, so you don't get to flee responsibility when someone agrees that shooting the politicians they don't like is a good, patriotic solution. They took you literally at your word. Also, there is no convincing me that crosshairs are surveyor's marks, nor do I buy for one second that you were trying to reach the American public through our deep love of and history with surveyor's equipment. Come on, now. Just a second ago you were all eager to get people riled up--telling them not to retreat, just to reload--and suddenly, you're skittish? It cuts both ways; if you suggest revolution, you don't get to cry foul when one starts breaking out in the streets. This is your moment, after all. This is what you wanted: a nation of angry, armed, virulently bigoted, violently motivated people. These are your people; this is your moment. Own it, and get out there and lead them. Just don't forget your flak jacket, jagoff.

5. The Dallas Cowboys. It's not even football season anymore. I just never stop hating them, and it bears mentioning. Partly, it's Texas, which we should have let become its own country. Then we wouldn't have to claim them. Partly, it's the idea of cowboys as a mascot. So many shades of ick. Some of it is the stupid star on the uniform. Really? That's the best you could come up with? And we're back to what a stupid mascot the cowboy is, especially if the team isn't even willing to let it really be the representation of the team. And, still, it's the cheerleaders. It's not them, per se. They're just typical professional cheerleaders: pretty people, mediocre dancers (relative to other pros, not regular folks), spangly costumes. But, somehow they've been typified as the epitome of desirability, like Miss America only without even needing to be able to answer dumbed-down questions. I hate that this is at all indicative of what's wanted from women: empty ornamentation, attached utterly to masculine grandstanding and violence. Now, if the DCC were to become an MMA fighting team on the side, that I would want to see.

Summer Warrior Mix

(Tempo Run/Spin/Boxing)

1. Battle without Honor or Humanity by Tomayasu Hotei
2. POWER by Kanye West
3. Dynamite by Taio Cruz
4. My First Kiss by 3OH!3 featuring Ke$ha
5. Rock that Body by Black Eyed Peas
6. Can't Be Tamed by Miley Cyrus
7. Your Love is My Drug by Ke$ha
8. Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) by Shakira
9. Don't Stop Believin' covered by Glee Cast
10. Trinity by Paper Tongues
11. Bullets by Creed
12. Bulletproof (Manhattan Clique remix) by La Roux
13. Beat It covered by Fall Out Boy
14. Woo Hoo covered by The 5, 6, 7, 8s
15. The Kids Aren't Alright by The Offspring
16. Between the Lines by Stone Temple Pilots
17. Supermassive Black Hole by Muse
18. Touch by Natasha Bedingfield
19. Winner by Jamie Foxx featuring Justin Timberlake & T.I.
20. Not Afraid by Eminem

Leo's Sunshine Mix

(high energy running mix)

1. Good Morning by Chamillionaire
2. Party in the U.S.A. by Miley Cyrus
3. Celebration by Madonna
4. Hot Mess by Cobra Starship
5. Blah Blah Blah by Ke$ha featuring 3OH!3
6. For What It's Worth by Placebo
7. Mess of Me by Switchfoot
8. Starstrukk by 3OH!3
9. Bad Romance by Lady Gaga
10. Tik Tok by Ke$ha
11. Sexy Chick by David Guetta featuring Akon
12. Shut It Down by Pitbull featuring Akon
13. Love Drunk by Boys Like Girls
14. Cousins by Vampire Weekend
15. Help I'm Alive by Metric
16. I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin
    

Quick Suck: another 10

Until I work up the energy to rant about the things and people really bugging me in a serious way, there are always plenty of others who should be told to suck it. Here are the current top ten on the inexhaustible pile.

1. People who veer left to make a right-hand turn, even if they drive small vehicles.
2. Anyone who believes anything they see on a reality TV show.
3. Parents who act like procreation is, in and of itself, an impressive achievement.
4. Male strangers who call any- and everyone they meet "dude," "bra/o" or "dog."
5. White people who call Black men "brother" anywhere outside of church.
6. People who park in two parking spots because they're just so special and their car is just so valuable.
7. Cops who speed on the highway purely because they can get away with it.
8. People who use baby-talk and talk down to kids as if children are stupid.
9. Desperative Housewives--the show, the premise, the public that makes it possible.
10. Females who call everyone "honey" or "sweetie" or, worse, "girl."

Mini Suck: a new 10

As usual, I have more rage than time, so here's another from my new line of snack-sized hate. This week, the people, places and things who should suck it include:

1. Anyone who belts pants below the ass. While I'm sure your underwear is fascinating to you, to me it's just more information than I want. This is just stupid, and I don't care if that makes me sound old or out of touch. I keep seeing this on campus, and I simply don't get it. Sagging one's pants is one thing, but this doesn't look like a choice so much as an error--like someone just got distracted after doing their bathroom business. I should never look at a person walking away and wonder if they got confused or lost after wiping, unless that person has Alzheimer's. Not to mention, if you insist on showing your underwear to me, make sure it's clean and unstained, Skid Mark, okay?

2. People who share their personal names for their genitals, breasts, or other body parts with anybody who isn't already sharing their bed. It's bad enough that people persist in this cutesy nonsense, but I shouldn't have to be subjected to your body-phobic bullshit unless I'm trying to get in your pants.

3. Shiftless, lazy, unwashed hippies who make liberals look like unemployable miscreants. Don't get me wrong, Moonbeam: be free. It's just that your failure to bathe regularly, groom adequately, listen to recognizable music, find reliable transportation, find legal and non-parasitic income or, at least, retire the bong makes those of us who want social justice but live closer to the center of the spectrum easy to ridicule and ignore. You are not helping the causes you claim to care about so much as you're dropping out of society and refusing to grow up.

4. Those who refer to anyone critical of them as "haters." This gets extended into a little faux-street bit which says "Don't hate the player, hate the game." There are so many problems here. First, sometimes criticism is perfectly valid and has nothing to do with hate. Calling someone a hater suggests that their position is unreasoned and the criticism unearned. It's worse than an oversimplification; it's a complete dismissal. Second, you're not a pimp, so stop talking like you think you are. You are not part of The Game just because you saw American Pimp. Finally, even if you are a pimp, why shouldn't I hate the player, as well as the game? The game is usually demeaning, frequently violent, and always exploitation-based. Anybody playing The Game as usual is worthy of pity at best, and deserving of serious jail time at worst. Without the Players, The Game as we know it wouldn't exist. Stop the player, stop the game.

5. People who get tribal markings and other cultural symbols indelibly etched on their body when they don't belong to the culture it represents. This just bugs, though it does present a good opportunity for tattooists and other artists to manipulate the perceptions of the public a great deal in a kind of subversive way. I mean, if you don't speak the language or have a lived-in familiarity with the complex cultural connotations of your chosen symbology, then you're trusting that the website or book where you found it and the tattoo artist you took it to for inking are faithfully representing the image and honestly sharing its meaning. While the potential for a bunch of culture vultures to get royally screwed does amuse me, this is just a sad shame in a larger sense. Why do people feel the need to "borrow" other people's cultural experience? Everybody already has a culture; in fact, each of us probably belongs to quite a large number of "tribes" in a broad sense. So, why co-op someone else's? I don't care how many tattoos of Asian characters or Totem animals you get: you're still you. And if "you" is white, live with it. Yep, our people are responsible for an awfully lot of the problems. Don't make it worse. Own up. We've got some highlights, too. Learn your own history before you steal someone else's.

6. Door-to-door religion salespeople. In this, the Jehovahs and the Mormons are about equal offenders, with everybody else a very distant finisher. Stop trying to force your book report projects on me. I've read the Book of Mormon, and it's ludicrous. I've read enough of The Holy Bible to know that taking it literally is nonsensical. I have my own faith and values. But, even if I didn't, I do not see how your interrupting my day and insinuating yourself into my life is doing me any favors. If your Gods won't let you into their paradise without your having to recruit others, then it's not Heaven--it's an Amway convention.

7. Any person or corporation that patents life-saving cures for highly treatable illnesses. How dare you pretend to work in the interests of scientific progress and the betterment of humanity and then block the possibility of saving lives, improving life expectancy for entire sectors of the world, and fostering international cooperation--all of which can and does come from the successful implementation of health care into the most impoverished areas. Any company that charges more than 10% over cost for any medication is exploitive. But to take it even further and suggest that, while you've found a cure, nobody can make use of it without your being paid is unconscionable.

8. Habitually tardy people who attribute their rudeness to culture. I hear that people are on "Mexican time," "Mormon time," and even "Mommy time" constantly. You are not on a special time frame. You are not so damned interesting and unusual that we should all make special allowances for the fact that you do not keep your promises and instead selfishly waste everyone else's time in waiting around for you to show up. This is not something you share with an entire category of people, nor is it some unpreventable consequence of membership in the group you were born into or have since joined. You're just rude. But now, in addition to being rude, you're showing that you agree with and perpetuate stereotypes, and you think that doing so is cute and funny.

9. Fame whores willing to behave like animals, exploit their children and families, and shamelessly peddle themselves and their loved ones for unwarranted celebrity. While this is particularly relevant to cretins like the Gosselins, it also applies to Kardashians, the Lamas clan, those weird hillbillies with the 14 kids who run a B&B, and all the rest of them. We get it: you want to be famous. But you're boring, vapid, narcissistic, shallow, wasteful, tactless and greedy. These are not qualities in a person, they're serious deficiencies of character.

10. Parents who blame the schools, the government, the education system, the teachers, television, video games, movies, peer groups and anyone else on Earth that they can think of for their child's poor learning and underachievement. I've got news for you: if you know the name of all the characters on your favorite TV shows, but you don't know the names of all your child's teachers, principals, coaches, and guidance counselors, then the person not making the most of that child's educational experience is likely you.

Suck It: Unemployment by Email

One of the hidden downsides to the technological turn is that now cowardly bosses don't have to face the workforce they're forcibly ejecting from their professions. In fact, they don't have to face that this is what they're doing; it's "downsizing" or "budget crisis" or even, frighteningly, "modernizing." This is in no way a new phenomenon, but the explosion of digital media communications has only normalized this already dehumanizing and corporatizing trend. In much the same way that politicians have long been able to hide from public scrutiny via media exposure behind the mask of a press office, now employers at all levels can hide behind a new smoke-screen: the computer screen.

As if pink slips with your paycheck weren't impersonal enough, we now have eliminated the paychecks by turning them into automatic deposits--and then eliminated the pink-slips too by making the whole thing able to take place purely in digital interactions. First comes the mass email about budgetary woes. Then comes the complaints of policy changes and uncertainty, in the form of a deluge of emails, many incomprehensible. Next, a personal-seeming email expressing concern for your particular situation (insert your name here) arrives. Then it comes. Subject line: Budget Cuts.

The next week, you're erased from the payroll system. Your number--the only way you're recognizable to the entity you've worked for and depended on more than you'd like to admit begins grinding its slow and unpredictable way through the outsourced bureaucracy of COBRA--somewhere in Texas, or maybe Mumbai. Another email comes, reminding you to clear your office, or return your keys, or relinquish your parking pass, or some other impersonal-and-therefore-all-the-more-demeaning demand. You're now a detail to be cleared, a process to complete. You're deleted.

Economic strife and unemployment affect everybody. Job elimination is a reality for many employers, the virtuous and the wicked alike. Part of the reason that managers and administrators make the very good livings that they make (particularly relative to their staffs) is because they have the duty to handle these issues, the unpleasant task of keeping things running smoothly and on-budget. That includes handling staffing at all levels. When someone is let go, either for cause or for budget, notification is part of the duty of management. And when a job disappears for reasons that have nothing to do with the former employee, the bare minimum that employee deserves is an exit interview and the opportunity to hear directly from those for whom they worked directly the reasons for their termination.

Email hiring and firing allows those charged with hiring and firing to hide from the human faces of their decisions. It buys into the false and destructive metaphor that people are nothing more than raw materials, "human resources" to be squabbled over, claimed, mined, and then discarded--that there is no relationship there, no consciousness worthy of consideration or concern. It's dehumanizing, ultimately, to parties on both sides. By treating others as not worthy of human recognition, employers diminish their own humanity as well.

In other words: anyone who has ever terminated an employee by email should SUCK IT.

Quick Suck: this week's 10

people, places and things pissing me off this week include:

1. Anyone who begins articulating an opinion by stating "I consider myself a feminist, but..."
2. Giant Jackie O/Vegas Elvis sunglasses
3. English-only fucktards.
4. People who don't know the sound of their own car alarm and so let them go off on a regular basis, blithely irritating and disrupting entire residential neighborhoods.
5. Wearers of faux-hawks.
6. People who walk their dogs while keeping them on unreasonably tight leashes or in choke-chains.
7. Lousy tippers who act like they have an ideological beef with tipping instead of admitting their own cheapness.
8. Charlatans who undermine the credibility and therefore insurability and usability of homeopathic and natural medicine by exploiting the desperate and credulous.
9. Britney haters.
10. Everyone in any way linked to the commercial revivals of tube tops, jumpsuits, harem pants, ass-baring shorts, spray tans, tooth bleaching, boob jobs, dating old guys and marrying for money.